Who Am I
by nicksfriend
Summary: A post fanfiction for False Witness...Guess I wanted more than the Bitner story.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Who Am I

Disclaimer: The do not belong to me, I just borrow them and then return them the same way I found them... well almost.

**Christmas Eve**

The prank had gone well, nobody suspected a thing, not even Gibbs.

Yeah, it was a little over the top, but it worked, it had gotten the attention off of me, my weird behavior. I was more than happy to see them angry at the prank, Ziva still hasn't said a word to me since early this morning and McGee has been muttering something all day about my behavior being a rouse. A prelude to the the prank. If only they knew that the prank was as forced as the smile that I plastered on my face afterward.

If only they knew the truth, if only they understood what it was all about. Why I couldn't talk about how I really feel inside, how I seem so lost now, so alone with what I have uncovered, what I haven't still yet uncovered. A piece of my past that I have hidden so deeply inside of myself , hoping never to never have to relive it, but then to have to experience it again, but she had insisted, said it would assist me in moving forward.

The therapist said I was blanking out my past, what had happened that day so many years ago, the day that my mother had died such a horrible death. I was only eight years old, a kid.

The therapist had used a new technique to bring forth my suppressed memories, and it worked, it worked too well. I had to relive the day my mother died, the day she was murdered. Now all I feel is an overwhelming feeling of being numb, unable to deal with the truth, the horrible truth, that I had actually been there, within the murderer's reach, but he had left me alone, untouched. The only scar found on me that day was the sight of my mother being shot, point blank, the face of the man who had pulled the trigger now etched into my mind. The stained memory of blood flowing from mother's chest, the screams that were a prelude to the fatal shot, which now echo constantly in my mind. I feel as if I 'm going crazy.

They never caught the killer, no evidence left behind, an eight year old boy who was in shock, unable to give a description, unable to tell them who had taken away the only person who had ever truly loved him, even if it had been through a drunken haze. She was still that little boy's mother, my mother. I almost feel separate from this boy, that he is not me.

I type a few words on my computer, then it dawns on me, they are looking, staring at me. Could they possibly see through my mask? I am a clown, notorious for hiding my true feelings, making sure nobody ever sees the real Tony DiNozzo. Can they see me now? Surely not, the mask was in place, my emotions are in check. So what has gotten their attention? What has given him away?

I cautiously look up to see their puzzled faces. What are they looking at? Then it dawns on me, my eyes are stained with tears, my face reddened from the memories of my mother dying in my arms, a childhood shattered, a life changed forever. My flashback has given me away.

I stand to move but am suddenly blocked by Gibbs, who seems concerned, worried.

"I'm fine boss." I mutter, hoping that that would be all that was needed.

"Not buying it DiNozzo." he retorted. The man can read me, he can see the pain that I'm so desperately trying to hide.

"Please." I plead, wanting to escape before I totally break down, before I fall to pieces in front of the team I respect so much.

Gibbs nods and moves out of the way.

I scramble for the elevator, hoping, praying that nobody will follow. I need a few minutes to pull it together, to gather my thoughts, to regain my composure.

As my hand reaches for the down button I feel his breath on my neck. I know that it is him, he has been patient, but now he wants answers, the truth, and I don't know if I can tell him the truth. I don't lie to Gibbs, can not lie to Gibbs, to the man whom I respect more than any man I have ever known. Yeah, I did once, but I regretted it, hated myself for it. I promised myself I would never do it again.

He follows me inside, and stands quietly as the doors close.

He reaches over and turns the elevator off, the lights go dim, for which I am glad, my tears are now hidden in the darkness.

"Spill it Tony." Gibbs words are direct and to the point, guess he is tired of playing the game I have been playing for the past two, maybe three days, I owe him the truth, but it does not want to come out. It is stuck in my throat and all I can do is stand there quietly, in pain.

"Can't boss. Not now." I finally answer. I want to get off the elevator, I feel claustrophobic, overwhelmed.

He nods in understanding, he seems to see my restraint, my need to hold back and restarts the elevator, he will give me time. I need time. I need more than time actually, I need answers.

**Hope you like! More tomorrow.**


	2. Chapter 2

I find myself back at my therapist's office. Strange, the last place I want to be is where I am. _Why? _I ask the question several times to myself before I enter the bright,flower filled room. I need to talk, it's as if I need to talk and the only person who can understand my pain right now is her, she did this to me, had insisted.

The receptionist seems to expect me, she ushers me into a room quickly, no words need to be spoken, maybe she sees my pain. The pain I have attempted to hide for so long is now like a red flag for all to see. I am hurting, I'm in a bad place.

"Tony, are you okay? I hear her ask, her monotone voice comforts me somehow, and I shake my head. I need her right now, never thought that would happen but I am overwhelmed, the pain is too much.

She walks over and takes a seat in front of me, "It's Christmas Eve.", I whisper. Wondering what she is doing here, why she is in her office on this festive holiday, I had expected an empty office.

"I knew you would come." she answers, her words gain my attention.

"How?" I ask, nobody knows of her, nobody knows I see a therapist, not even Gibbs.

"This is what I do for a living Anthony. Repressed memories take time to sink in once remembered and yours are very vivid traumatic memories." she stands and walks over to a cabinet filled with medications, pulling open the door and taking out a bottle of pills.

"I don't want any pills." I quickly tell her, I don't want to feel more vulnerable, more exposed.

"They are to help you sleep tonight. Take them when you get home, they will help." she slides a few of the pills into a white packet and then seals it, walking them back over to me and handing them to me, I take them, but I know I will not use them.

"You want to talk?" she asks as she takes her seat again.

"I want to but I can't, it hurts too much to talk about it." I answer.

"I understand your pain Anthony, but if you don't talk about it , it will eat you up inside, cripple you." she continues to insist that I speak but I can't. I want it to stay inside where if felt safe all these years, where I hid it so carefully.

I stand, this is not where I want to be any longer, instead I feel as if it is the last place I want to be suddenly. I rush for the door but as I place my hand on the door handle I am stopped by her words.

"You are afraid Anthony. Afraid of facing your past." she is now standing, inches away from my back, wanting me to stay, wanting me to talk. I can't, not now, maybe not even ever, it hurts too much.

"My past is too painful to face, maybe that is why I hid it so deep inside me for all of these years." I respond, my hand still on the door.

"Do you want me to admit you into the hospital Anthony?" she asks, wondering if her patient could do himself harm.

I hesitate for a few seconds, not sure if I might hold a gun to my head tonight, not sure of what she is asking but knowing that it might be a good idea, but instead of saying _yes_ I respond, "No, I am fine. I will be fine." I lie, she knows that I am lying.

"Anthony, take a seat, I will be back in a few minutes." she directs, I follow her command, not sure why though, maybe even I am afraid of how I am feeling right now.

She makes a phone call out of ear's reach and then rejoins me, her hand open, a pill inside, a glass of water in her other hand.

"I hate pills." I respond, not wanting to lose any more control right now, not wanting to feel any more vulnerable than I do right now.

"Not an option, you need to take it." her voice more authoritative now, doctor like.

I reach for the pill and toss it into my mouth, I don't feel like arguing right now, I swallow it quickly, not wanting to taste the bitterness in my mouth, then I wash it down with the glass of water.

"I called your safety person, the person you wrote down as the person who you wanted me to call if you became unable to care for yourself after a session, they are on the way here now." she explains. Not even after the last session had she done that, she is seeing my pain, wanting me to be safe.

I nod, this person will make sure that I am safe, that I rest. that I don't pull a trigger tonight. This person is someone I trust explicitly, i knows that MY pain will not be shared with the others.

He is almost asleep when he hears the familiar voice, "My dear lad, how did you think you could go through this alone?" he shakes his head as the therapist tells him what she was allowed to speak, it was discussed long before the sessions began, the one person who I can rely on to have my back without question. Ducky is who I have chosen, he is trustworthy.

It is Dr Mallard, my Ducky, he came without question and now he will make sure I am safe.

"Can you make it to the car Anthony?" the older man asks as he assists me upwards, I am groggy, out of it, the pill has had a strong effect.

"I think so." I slur, the drug had been stronger, more potent than even I thought possible for a small pill. As I attempt to stand, I wobble. Strong arms grab and guide me out to Ducky's car, I close my eyes as soon as I am inside the small car. I feel safe, Ducky will take care of me, he always takes care of me.

**More soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

When I awake my eyes are sticky, my mouth is like cotton, dry. When I manage to get my eyes open and focused I realize where I am, I am at Ducky's new condo. The smell of lysol and air freshner fill my nostrils.

I attempt to sit up but a wave of dizziness overwhelms me and I lie back down, but someone has been watching my movements and a voice speaks to me.

"Tony, you need to lie back down." the voice, it is stern, almost Gibbs like, but not Gibbs.

I look around and see the person who just uttered the words, he is familiar, but yet I do not know his name.

"My name is Justin, I'm a nurse from Dr Sullivan's office, your therapist." he is now by his patient's side.

"Where's Ducky?" I croak out as I see a glass of water being offered to me and I drink greedily from the glass.

" Dr Sullivan and Dr Mallard are in the living room, they will be glad that you have finally awakened. I will go get them." the nurse then disappears.

I attempt to focus my eyes on the large antique clock hanging on the wall but my eyes still are too blurry, probably from the medication that she had given to him. _What time is it though?_ I ask myself as I again attempt to sit up again, placing the empty glass on the night stand.

"It is noon my dear boy." Ducky answers the question without the question being said out loud.

"It's Christmas?" I ask. Had I slept that long?

"Yes dear boy, it is Christmas." Ducky walks over and takes a seat next to ny bed, I guess to the coroner that I do not look much like an agent but more like a small shattered boy, a boy who has witnessed a terrible thing.

I think for a moment and attempt to stand, I need to go home now, I am feeling better.

"Tony, you need to stay here for a while." the voice of his therapist could be heard from the doorway.

"I'm fine." I reply. I just want to leave, to go home. I appreciate what Ducky did for me but I am feeling better, more like myself, and I want to go home. I continue to move forward, to stand, to leave. but am met with firm hands that are gripping my shoulders and a firm voice, it is Ducky's voice.

"Anthony, she will admit you if you do not cooperate." his words stop my actions, I see where this is going.

"I will not harm myself, that is the only way she can admit me, we talked about it for I went through the repressed memory therapy." I counter, wanting them to know that I am aware of my rights.

"Anthony, you have lost weight and you also seem to be losing sleep . I fear for your health. You remembered a terrible thing and yet you refuse to talk about it to me, with Gibbs, with anybody." the therapist closes in on her patient, confronting him with the truth.

"I'm adjusting to the information." I want to put her off, get her out of my space, I don't want to talk about that day, it is too painful.

"Adjusting to what Anthony? To the pain? Getting use to the hurt, not allowing it to be spoken about, possibly thinking it will eventually go away?" she pushes, she does know how to push my buttons, to make me talk, to make me do things that are uncomfortable, she is good at that, but not today, not on Christmas, not on the day that my mother died thirty-one years ago.

Ducky sees my dilemma and attempts to fill the air with an old tale but I am not listening, I am not allowing them to take me to a hospital and fill my ass with drugs. I stand and move forward, I tower over all three of the people in the room, the benefit of being six foot two inches tall.

Suddenly I stop, there is only one thing keeping me from leaving the room, they have taken my clothes, my underwear in the cold and the snow will not do well. "Where's my clothes Ducky?" I ask, feeling angry at the situation, feeling vulnerable without my clothing.

"Anthony, I have your clothing in my room. I will fetch it for you if you wish but first I would like for you to talk to Dr Sullivan first, before you make any more decisions." his voice was concerned, caring so I turn and sit down back on the side of the bed, pulling the blanket around my shoulders, covering my nakedness.

"We just need to talk this out, finish the session we started three days ago and I think you will start feeling better. I need you to relax though and close your eyes." She has claimed the seat that Ducky had been sitting in and continued in her soft voice. Justin and Ducky leave the room, leaving only the therapist and me, her client.

I want to feel better, I want to be able to function again so I attempt to comply, "I want you to count to ten Anthony. One, two, three, four." her voice was low, soft, monotone.

"Five six, seven eight, nine ten." I count, feeling myself go into a comfortable state, a state of being between sleep and consciousness.

"You are safe, you are with Ducky, the nurse Justin and myself, we will keep you safe." she states, wanting him to know that he would be fine regardless of what he continued to remember.

"You are eight again, it's Christmas." she is taking him back to the day, the day that his mother was murdered.

"It's too scarey. I don't want to do this." I want to do anything but to go back to this day, so why is she taking me here again, this is where my pain began.

"We are here because you need to remember everything, I am here with you." she lowers her voice so as to not startle him, I can't guarantee that I will not open my eyes and run away but for now I will cooperate.

"There's mom, decorating the tree, she is singing a Christmas carol, well attempting. I think she has had too much egg nog, she is slurring the words." he chuckles a little, yet the sadness of his mother's disease brings him into a more somber state, "She liked Christmas, it was her favorite holiday, Dad would always come home for Christmas."

"She 's waiting for him, for Dad, she's preparing the tree for him." My voice goes sad, this was a holiday I really did like, my parents together, it felt like family when we ate caramel buttered popcorn and watched, _It's A Wonder Life_.

" What are you doing Anthony?" She asks, knowing this is the part of the memory I had difficulty with last time, a part that I could not remember.

I hesitate, for some reason I hate this part, I don't want to remember it, but I push forward, I have to remember, "I am playing with my toys from my Grandmother, I got them in the mail yesterday."

"Very good, and then what happens Anthony?" the therapist goes forward, not wanting to push too hard, but also knowing that this is the part of her client's memory, my memory, that seems to be the hardest for some reason, not just the murder itself but what happened before the murder.

"I want to stop." I open my eyes, "I want to stop, I want to go to my apartment, I want to be left alone." I pull myself off the bed, and stare at the door, waiting for Ducky to bring my clothes.

"Anthony, you really need to allow yourself to remember, or you will continue to spiral downward. You have only opened the door to the memory half way, but whatever happened before your mother's death must have been even more traumatic, and you need to clue it together, you are an investigator, you need to know what happened." the therapist hates to push me, but she knows that I need to confront my demons, that I need to confront the demons from my past, but I buck her attempt, I am not ready.

" There are some things that are best left alone doctor, maybe this is one of them. I really don't want to do this again." I tell the woman but I know she will continue to prod, but not today, not the anniversary day of when I saw my mother murdered.

Ducky walks into the room with my clothes, I quickly get dressed, I want to escape, even if I have to walk back to Dr Sullivan's office to get my car.

**More Soon!**


	4. Chapter 4

I hear Ducky speaking to my doctor in the other room, he knows I am serious, that I will leave on my own, that I will run away. I have a history of doing that, my work record speaks for itself.

"I will have to ask you to leave Dr Sullivan, I do not want Anthony upset any further." he stands his ground, not wanting to start an argument with the beautiful woman but he knows the man in the bedroom, he knows my propensity for not facing my past, especially when it is forced upon me.

"He needs a hospital." she declares.

"I must disagree, what Anthony needs is time. He will find his way, but it will have to be on his own time, his own terms." Ducky opens the door to allow the doctor and her assistant to leave. He is cordial, but firm.

She reluctantly walks out the door, pulling out her cell phone as she leaves. I wonder who she is calling? It's probably the white coats, the men who lock you away when you are losing your grip on reality, on life.

I feel relieved though, almost giddy, that Ducky won the small battle, but I know my therapist well, she won't give up, she is concerned. I am drifting into a downward spiral, one that is gaining momentum, one that could take me to a place I was before I came to work with Gibbs, it was a very bad place.

Ducky is now standing at the door, he is concerned. He has a way of looking at you that makes you want to give him a hug and tell him everything will be okay, but I can't tell him those words, because right now I really have my doubts that things will be anywhere near okay anytime soon.

"How about a spot of tea Anthony?" he asks in his jovial English accent, his attempt at lightening the mood.

I smile, another pretend smile, I'm getting really good at this. But he sees right through me, the analytical part of the older doctor knows, sees through my disguise, my clown mask. "Sure." I respond, I walk towards the kitchen, pulling off my coat and lying it on the chair as I exit the small bedroom. I don't want to be alone.

Like a lost child I follow him into the kitchen, the smells of a holiday feast are wafting in the air, my stomach growls. I can't remember when I ate last, I think Ducky knows that, hence the tea.

"I have a guest coming for a late lunch, I do hope you will join us." Ducky invites, not giving too much information as his shaky hands gather the tea cups and ready them for the hot water.

I am caught off guard, I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't feel like company, actually I would like to go home and have some time alone, but I doubt Ducky would like that idea.

"Maybe." I respond, keeping an impending argument at bay, I will leave quietly later, but for now, I will enjoy the tea.

He nods, he is onto my plan but we do not discuss his suspicions , instead he walks over with two steaming cups of tea. He sets one in front of me, and then to my surprise he brings out some homemade muffins, fresh from the oven. My stomach growls as I reach for one, the smell is too tempting to pass over, and I am suddenly hungry.

Ducky seems happy, he has made me smile.

"This is great." I mumble between bites, as I slather on more butter onto the already buttered warm rolls. I haven't had muffins this good since I was a child. The memory overwhelms me, my holidays of freshly baked bread and pies as a child. I almost toss the bread down but I hold back, but it's too late, Ducky has witnessed my flashback.

"I am here if you want to talk Anthony. I will not push though, that is not what I do." he stands and walks over to the now whistling tea pot, I feel it is to give me a moment to compose myself, to decide if I want to talk right now, I don't.

I finish the muffin that I started, hoping that I do not spew it up, my stomach is churning, more from the anxiety of the day and not that of the delicious food. I want to go home now. I hope Ducky understands.

"My guest is Jethro." Ducky blurts out, he wants me to know, he wants to be honest. "Jethro doesn't know that you are here."

Maybe he wants me to know because he wants to stay honest, no surprises, or maybe he knows that Gibbs will listen, will be there for me. I know him, he is that kind of man, that kind of boss, that kind of friend. I don't want to talk though, not right now. I am sliding into an abyss, at full speed and the reason is still hidden from me. I want to remember what happened that day but a part of me is too afraid and that makes me angry. What could be so terrible, more terrible than to see your mother murdered?

I stand, making my way back to the bedroom, like a scarred child I grab my coat, I am not ready to talk, I am not ready to be confronted by the only man I have ever trusted.

"You don't have to leave Anthony. You can rest if you want, he does not have to know you are here." My friend wants me to know there is an option, a way to stay here safe in his home, no pressure to talk, to be confronted, to blurt out feelings that I don't even understand, that I won't allow myself to understand.

I nod, I want to be safe, I know being alone would not be a good thing right now, and he closes the door. I remove my shoes, my pants and lie back down on the bed,. I close my eyes and attempt to forget the day, the day my mother was so brutally murdered.

**More Soon.**


	5. Chapter 5

**This is a shorter chapter but I will write more later this day. Thanks for all that are reading and giving feedback. I know this story is a little bit dark but it will improve, Gibbs will be there!**

When I awake again the room is dark except for a small lamp sitting on the desk by the window, it's giving off that yellow glow and casting shadows in the room.

I acclimate myself to the room, to the new feeling of being alone, not waking up in my own apartment. It is after a few minutes I notice a fresh glass of water sitting by my bed, Ducky has been checking on me, it feels good to be cared for, the older man is such a comfort, always has been.

Ducky has reigned me in when I haven't been in control, I knew he would be there for me if I needed him, that is why I wrote him down as my contact. I knew he would not ask questions, he would just be there for me, as he has been in the past. He is Ducky.

I take the glass and drink, soon it is all gone, then as I sit the empty glass back down on the coaster on the table, I notice the antique table is still in pristine condition, Ducky takes care of things he most cares about. I am glad he cares about me.

I reach over, gather my clothes and walk towards the bathroom, towels have been sat out for me to shower and I will not disappoint. I strip down and enter the tiled enclosure and turn on the showerhead, the water, at first, it is cold but soon it warms up, it feels good against my rough skin to be able to feel anything.

Time passes slowly when all you hear is water hitting flesh, no need to think, just being able to enjoy the feel of being comforted by a hot shower. Then it happens, a flashback, back to that day, it is becoming habit.

_My mom smiles down at me, as I sit on the floor, playing with my new yellow snap together race track, seeing if the red car or the yellow car will go faster, it is always the yellow car that wins._

_I hear the doorbell ring, I jump up, I am excited, it must be dad. I get ahead of mom, I am rushing to open the door, wanting my family to be together, a rare event at the DiNozzo home._

_As I open the door I see a man, a familiar man, but his name is out of reach, I can't remember his name, just his face. My mother takes a step back, she seems afraid, terrified._

"_Where is Anthony?" he asks angrily, he is mad, and now I hide behind my mother, I see that he is not a good person._

"_He will be here soon. His plane arrived at the airport just a while ago. He should be here any minute." she answers nervously._

_My mother's voice is shaky, her hands are trembling, either from too much liquor or the fear that this man might do us harm._

_Then I see that there are more men behind him, they are here on business, or a mission. A shot is fired, my mother falls, the gun now pointed at me but an older man stops him, "That's enough, he will get the message."_

_I bend down as the men leave, as they disappear into the night. There is blood from her gaping chest wound that is rushing out, I place my small hands over the hole, hoping that it will stop the blood flow, hoping that some of the staff heard the shot, but mother had let them off for the holiday, had told them to enjoy their family as she had planned to do with her own._

_I can not save her, her last words as she looked up me with fading eyes, "Take care of your father Anthony." then they close, she was gone._

_I remove my hands and run upstairs, I rip off my clothing and enter the shower, at first the water is cold, but soon it warms up, it is comforting._

I open my eyes, the flashback is done, but now I am sitting on the floor of the shower, the water now cold, just as I did that day.


	6. Chapter 6

**As I promised, more. Hope you like.**

"Anthony! Are you okay?" Ducky's voice is worried, concerned. A swift flurry of hands examining me, making sure that I am not hurt.

I look up to see worried eyes, the water is now off, I am sitting on the floor of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, shivering.

"I'm fine." my words seem rehearsed, they are too spontaneous, too quick. Ducky, the psychologist notices as he looks behind him.

"The hell you are DiNozzo!" a third voice fills the room, I focus my eyes on the man at the door, it is Gibbs.

"Ducky you should have told me he was here." Gibbs' voice isn't angry, but there is a worried tone, the man is like a protective father bear at times, I've been here before, _it was a long time ago though._

With worried eyes he looks down at me as he assists Ducky now, both men worried that I am hurt, injured. "He is having flashbacks, he has all the symptoms. We need to get him warm." Gibbs instructs as they lift me to my feet and assist me in drying me off , then when they are satisfied that I am physically fine they start wrapping fresh dry towels around me.

"Tony, we're going to take care of you, I promise." Gibbs whispers into my ear, "Just like I did when you experienced this before."

"Have you seen this before from our Anthony?" Ducky questions Gibbs as he assists in guiding me back to the bedroom.

"It was in Baltimore, a long time ago." Gibbs gives a brief answer, I know he won't tell Ducky what happened, he promised never to speak of it, never to bring it up again.

It was ten years ago, we were complete strangers on an undercover case, an Italian mofia undercover sting in Baltimore, we kind of ran into each other, almost blew each others cover, but we winged it, and they believed our story. Two men who had never met before concocted a story so brilliant it even fooled the head of the mofia, the most ruthless killers that Baltimore had ever known.

They sit me down on the side of the bed, Gibbs disappears for a few minutes while Ducky is administering to me, pulling blankets up over my shoulders, checking my eyes, he is not sure I don't have a head injury, I guess my lack of response is cause for concern. Even with his worried ministrations he's assuring me I will be fine.

Gibbs reappears with a gym bag, Gibbs is always prepared. He pulls out a pair of old gray sweats, they are clean though, I can smell a hint of Tide detergent as he gives the clothes a snap then pulls them over my head, and up onto my legs and then he places thick socks onto my feet. I feel warm again

"Tony we are here, it'll be okay." Gibbs whispers as he continues to administer to my needs. I am useless right now, like the little boy in my flashback, I can do nothing to assist, I am too numb, my own sadness is consuming me, drowning me.

I nod, I know I am safe, I, _we_, have been here before, but not to this degree, now I know the truth. _I was responsible._

They lay me back down on the bed, pulling the soft blankets up around my neck, tucking me in as if I were a child. I am a child, an eight year boy who allowed the killers into his home, I opened the door.

I look up at both men, I give them a small smile, I want them to know that I will be okay, it will take time though, it always seems to take time after I remember things from my past, but this is the worst, because now I remember. I opened the door, I allowed the murderer to come inside our home, I am responsible for my mother's death. I hope I don't disappoint them.

"Should I call the doctor?" Ducky asks, his voice is low, but I hear his concerned words. He is scared of what I might do, so am I. I am hoping that Gibbs will stop him, that he will stay and delay the inevitable.

"No, Ducky. We will take care of Tony." Gibbs replies.

I am glad to hear the words, I let out the breath that I have been holding. I can now close my eyes again. I want to sleep, because sleep will assist me in blocking out the memories, that I was the one who opened the door that day, in all of my excitement I allowed in the men , the man, who would pull the trigger and shot my mother in the chest.

My mother's death is now on me, it always has been, but I buried it, just like I buried her, _but now I know and that truth is killing me inside._

They are speaking in low tones now, an hour has passed since my bathroom recovery. I can barely make out their words, they think I am asleep. Ducky wants to take me away for a while, allow me to regroup, to have some time away from the stresses of my job, from life. Gibbs interrupts him, feels that that I would do better at his home. Gibbs is winning the argument.

Sleep finally pulls me under, I know where I will be tomorrow, the only place I have truly felt safe, Gibbs' home.

**Okay, do you like it? Kind of hard to tell...lack of responses always are telling. Let me know. For those who have reviewed, I thank you very much! Maybe another chapter for those readers today...you never know!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I wish to thank all of you who responded. I too am glad we have Gibbs there for Tony and I will keep him there as long as this story continues! Thanks again!**

This time I am awakened by loud voices, some are arguing. I quickly make myself get up out of the bed. My body is sore and weak, depression is a terrible thing,_ I joke to myself_, worse than any exercise.

As I make my way to the door I start to recognize the voices, it is Ducky and Dr Sullivan. I crack the door a bit to get a view of what is going on in the other room. That is when I see him, a police officer, she is here to have me committed for a seventy-two hour observation in the psych unit at Bethesda. _I am screwed._

I refuse to be admitted to any facility to be drugged, poked and prodded, either physically or mentally. I hurry and gather my clothing, I have an escape to make. Before I do anything else I lock the door and jam a chair underneath the door handle, that will buy me some time, _I will need it._

As I slide the thick socks Gibbs placed on my feet into my expensive shoes, I walk over to the window and unlatch it. It has snowed during the night, and it is still snowing. I will have to make a jump from the window, it's not that high up, I should only sprain something, not break it, I hope.

I grab my wallet, my coat and my keys, I need to leave and leave now, they are at the door.

As I slide my six foot two frame out the window, the first thing I remember is that window panes have splinters and I am getting a butt load of them right now. I can't stop though, I will not, can not, go quietly into a pscyh ward. I trusted her, I opened up to a complete stranger and this is what happens, _I've really. really screwed up._

I jump from the almost two story building,_ well, almost two stories. _ Fortunately I land in a snowdrift, it breaks my fall considerably, that would have hurt a lot worse otherwise. As I stand to make a run for it, the first thing I notice is that my left foot does not want to work as usual, so instead of running, _I limp quickly away from where I have landed. _I have only a few minutes before they figure me out, before they start tracking me down, _I will have to come up with a plan._

As I maneuver myself behind the building, hopefully to make it more difficult for them to see me, if they do happen to exit before I can get far away. Suddenly I hear a motor rev it's engine. I immediately know who is driving the vehicle.

"Get in DiNozzo!' the man yells at me, as the door of the yellow Dodge Charger swings wide open on the passenger side, _it is Gibbs._

I don't hesitate, I just move as quickly as my injured foot allows, then close the door as Gibbs takes off, the tires peel off the ice and snow causing the car to swerve side to side, then it corrects itself and we are on our way.

"Thanks boss." I want him to know that I am very grateful.

He nods, it is our language.

The drive is quiet on the way to his place, a part of me is thankful but another part of me is afraid, afraid that he will not see why I did what I did_. Why I would trust a complete stranger, instead of coming to him._

As we pull into his driveway I see that another car has arrived ahead of us. It a blue sedan, government issued, but it is not NCIS, it is FBI, it is Fornell'c car.

"Boss?" I don't say much more, he seems to be getting a kick out of my questioning look, he smiles and exits the car, he then comes around to my side of the car and opens the door.

"Come on DiNozzo. Waiting for an invitation?" he jokes, or at least I think he is, sometimes it is hard to tell.

He then assists me by grabbing me underneath the arm and starts guiding me into his home."No boss. Thank you boss." I answer, bewildered at the moment as to the why and of the reason the FBI man ,who actually hates me, is here.

I walk into the warm house, the fireplace is roaring, the couch is ready for someone to lie down, pillows and blankets spread out. I guess that it is meant for me, because Gibbs leads me to that very spot and begins to remove my wet coat and shoes.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite NCIS agent." a voice comes from the kitchen, it is Fornell.

"Need back up boss?" I ask. But Gibbs reads me like a book and can see my sarcasm.

"He will come in handy later." Gibbs answers as he motions for me to lie down. He then pulls the thick blanket over me, I am really starting to feel like a kid._ I actually like it though, in a comforting way._

If I felt better I would come back with a snarkey remark for Fornell but instead I just give him a small wave, _he seems confused_. The wise cracking man he usually gets is too tired, too out of it to come back with a quip. I guess he is a bit disappointed, but suddenly I am taken aback by his reaction, instead he seems almost sad that I didn't respond and he gives me a weak smile and nods. _Guess he's been around Gibbs way too long, he is starting to act like him._

"You hungry Tony?" Gibbs, is already heading for the kitchen, regardless if I am hungry or not, I will be eating.

"Sure boss." I lie, I don't feel like arguing, and he knows that, he will win this battle easily.

I close my eyes, feeling safe once again ,being cared for another friend I trust. As I drift between the area between being asleep and being awake I hear Gibbs and Fornell talking in the kitchen, they are devising a plan, they know she will come, _I know she will come._

"Wake up Tony." Gibbs voice is soft, like that of a father, he is holding two plates and he's wanting me to pay attention to what he is saying, _he wants me to eat._

I sit up on the couch, he pushes back the blankets and places a plate filled with toast and scrambled eggs on the table in front of us, Fornell follows with his plate also, but his has bacon included, guess Gibbs doesn't want me to attempt greasy food right now, he knows my sensitive stomach all too well.

He then pulls out two cans from of his back pockets, mine is tea, his is juice, and sits them on the table.

"Thanks Boss." I want him to know I appreciate his kind act_, acts._

Again he nods, he is not a man of many words but when he does speak, I listen, we all do.

I eat, as I listen to Fornell and Gibbs make their final plans for the doctor, she will be there soon, she knows how I feel about the man sitting beside me,_ it won't be long, she will know where to look for me next._

**Have to work today..and tomorrow. I will be back Monday for sure though!**


	8. Chapter 8

There is a knock on the door that awakens me, I must have fallen back to sleep after I ate, Gibbs, who has been sitting in the recliner next to me stands to answer it.

" It's not locked McGee!" Gibbs speaks to the man at the door

"Sorry boss. I have the papers" Tim apologizes to Gibbs as he hands him a brown envelope.

Gibbs walks back over to where I am lying and starts taking out some papers from the large brown envelope.

"What's that boss?" I ask, my voice is gravelly from being asleep. I am curious as to what is going on, but he doesn't answer me right away.

"This is good Tim. Really good." Gibbs gives Tim a pat on the shoulder and is now handing the papers to Fornell, they have a plan and I am oblivious.

Tim is starring at me, attempting, _trying_, not to, but he can't help but to look at his fallen partner. I guess I do look rather pitiful to the man who use to respect me, who I use to haze relentlessly, maybe this is my punishment.

"She'll be here soon boss. Ziva called, she just left Tony's apartment." Tim informs us, wanting us to me prepared, wants me to be be prepared.

"We are ready for her." Gibbs states softly, just loud enough for me to hear.

It doesn't take her long, I knew it wouldn't. She, Dr Sullivan, has arrived, police officers in tow. she is determined to have me committed.

Fornell stands and gathers his coat, looking very determined suddenly. I am curious as to what they have planned but they have kept it from me, I will have to watch and see what they do.

Tim comes to sit by my side, he is suddenly in protective mode, as if I am in danger, he has been there before, kept me from falling to my death. I trust Tim, he is like a brother.

She is now at the door, but Fornell blocks her entrance. He is handing her some papers, and she is reading them.

"You can't do this!" her voice is loud, _angry. _"He's not a federal witness and you can't pull this kind of crap. He needs to be in a hospital!"

"You are trespassing on a Federal court approved sanctuary property, this is a deemed safe house for our witness and I need you to vacate these premises immediately." Fornell tells the woman who is persistent in attempting to get to me.

" If he pulls the trigger and takes his life, how will you feel Agent Fornell? This, his death, will be on you and your friend Agent Gibbs. Will it be worth his life? Will you be able to live with yourselves" she calls out in anger. Fornell hesitates for a second, Gibbs is suddenly at his side. I watch as the anger that is etched on my boss's face turns into a burst of support for me.

" I assure you Dr Sullivan, Agent DiNozzo will be fine. He is with friends. You need to leave." he slams the door in her face and walks away, leaving a very stunned Fornell to gather his thoughts.

"Well, that went well." Fornell is finally able to speak after the confrontation at the door.

"Ahh, she will fume for a while but you can't fight the FBI." Gibbs mumbles as he is taking his seat again. He focuses his stare at me and gives me a look, a look that says to me that I had better not pull a trigger or do anything else stupid or crazy on his watch because he will definitely kick my ass if I do.

I nod in acknowledgment. I know better, if I do decide that is the route I want to go, I will do it alone. _Away from my friends._

I close my eyes, I am suddenly exhausted, the small event has taken a lot from me and all I did was sit on the couch and listen.

Tim hasn't left my side. He stays here beside me, Gibbs is on the other side in his favorite chair. Fornell is still watching out the window, wondering if she will return, if she will attempt to get some judge to see it her way. They, my friends, have ears, people who will call them if she does attempt to get some sympathetic judge to admit me. I almost feel doomed, but for now I will sleep, it feels good to block it out, _to escape._

**Four Hours later**

This time when I awaken I find myself alone, the people in the house are either in another room or they are outside.

I even question myself,_ Am I awake_? It is too quite, too peaceful.

_I pull myself up and walk through the door, I see my mother. She is decorating our Christmas tree, singing Christmas tunes_, _sipping on a glass of wine._

"_Mom?" I question, it can't be her, she is dead. Suddenly she is gone, a blood stain left on the floor._

"_Mom?" I yell as loud as I can yell. I think I can hear her crying, so I run out the door, looking for her, looking for the men who killed her, where is she?_

_I am running now, her screams are unbearable, I need to find her but she is too far away. The sting of the cold wind is hitting my face, the cold is making my hands and feet feel numb. I fall to my knees, she is gone, they are gone. I failed her, I allowed them to kill her, it is my fault._

"Tony!"

_I hear someone calling my name, they are desperate. Is it real, are they real or is it just my imagination, or a vivid flashback? I feel so lost right now.  
_

"DiNozzo!" I hear another voice, a familiar voice, they are close. I will have to tell them I failed, that I failed to save my mother from the killer, _killers. I opened the door and allowed them inside to kill her. It's my fault she died._

A strong arm wraps around my body, another around my forehead, they are pulling me into a hug, I hear Gibbs voice next to my ear, "It's going to be okay Tony. We're here."

I open my eyes and there stands my team, _my friends_. Abby is here, she looks at me with a sad face. I am sitting in the snow, another flashback. _Damn._

"Get my car!" Gibbs demands.

"Yes boss!" Tim answers nervously and disappears.

I recognized his voice. Tim is afraid. I am afraid, _I am falling apart._

"Where are you going to take him?" Abby goes into protective sister mode as Gibbs hangs on to me, attempting to warm my cold, numb skin.

Gibbs looks up at her, he knows what she is asking, hell, I even know what she is asking and I am not sure of much at this point, but I know that she is wondering whether he will finally take me to the psych unit as Dr Sullivan suggested..

"Home." Gibbs responds, and he gives her a smile.

Tim is suddenly standing there again, they assist me to my feet, _my bare feet_. The car is warm as I slide into the back seat, and I look outside, I must have ran a few miles before I collapsed. Gibbs opens his trunk and retrieves a blanket and then closes the door once I am wrapped inside of it. I now sit between Abby and Ziva, who has remained quiet, she is upset.

I look out the window, Gibbs is now on his cell. I wonder who he is speaking with, but I think I have an idea. Years ago I needed help and only one man was able to assist,_ Gibbs knows his name._

**Hope you like! I guess you guys are wondering why I am so dark in this story. Maybe I have been dealing with too much death and dying at work, way too much.**


	9. Chapter 9

My body is shivering, maybe it is from the effects of being out in the cold or of being in a car filled with people who seem very scared for me right now, I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I am in trouble, I'm in a place I haven't been in the past ten years, a place I haven't been since I was a detective in Baltimore.

It,_ my breakdown,_ was blamed on fatigue, too much time undercover, too much time without a support system. Damn, I've been without a support system since I was eight, so I knew that excuse was just a load of crap. _Psychologists are so overrated._

I dare not look over at my work family, I just keep my eyes closed, focused on what is going on inside of me,_ and it is a very dark place, too dark, I am having difficulty seeing my soul.._

"Tony." a gentle voice shakes me from my inner thoughts.

I open my eyes and see Gibbs starring down at me with those concerned blue eyes, _he is worried._

"Yes boss." I answer, I know better than to not acknowledge him, he would take me straight to the hospital, I know him well, he doesn't kid around with those he cares about.

"We need to get you back inside. Do you think you can walk?" Gibbs is giving me a chance to do this on my own, I want to do it on my own, he knows I have to keep some modem of control.

"Sure boss." I nod, but inside I don't even know if I am capable of even standing, I feel weak, _tired._

"McGee, give him your shoes." Gibbs orders Tim, and the man does not miss a beat. He takes off his shoes and places them on my now bruised, battered, and bloody feet. I am guessing they were bought at some_ not so expensive_ store because he seems all to happy to give them away, its either that or he is afraid Gibbs would head slap him if he doesn't, or maybe it is because he cares about me, _but that is too emotional for me to consider at the moment._

"Come on Tony." McGee chides as he assists me out of the car, I look down at his sock feet and almost smile at the kind gesture, but then I notice the snow and I realize his feet must be cold, they're getting wet. _He is doing this for me._

I point downwards, wanting him to realize I see what he is giving me, what he gave up, his comfort for me, it is appreciated_. He is like a brother._

_He gives me a smile, it is all that is needed.  
_

They assist me inside, that is when I see Ducky, he is there, he is worried.

"Dear lad, what ever were you thinking?" he mumbles out loud.

"I wasn't." I reply sheepishly, ashamed of what I am doing to them, of what I am doing to myself. I am falling apart, _again._

"That's for sure DiNozzo." Gibbs remarks as he and Tim steer me past the couch this time and towards the guest bedroom to which nobody has ever entered, _is not allowed to enter._

Gibbs' attempt to lighten the mood is short lived as we enter the room where his daughter Kelly use to keep her stuffed animals, the room where she use to dream, the room where she was a little girl filled with high hopes and imagination.

The room is bright, the evening sun is starting to set, the window overlooks a view of the lake. It's a good thing I went the other direction or I would have drowned, I kind of joke inwardly, but it is how I avoid the emotion of the moment, the gesture is too much and I tear up instead.

"I can't boss. This is Kelly's room. I can't." I am emotional, not just because this is where Kelly lived but this is too much, it is too overwhelming.

" She would understand Tony." Gibbs voice cracks a little, this is also a moment for him, he is allowing me into a sacred, well guarded area of his life, an act from Gibbs that is very significant, this is his private place and he is allowing us in, _me in._ The others are speechless, they too can see how this man cares for his team, his family,_ for me. _

"Thank you boss." Again my voice cracks, I want him to know that I realize what he is giving me, he nods in recognition of my figuring it out, he seems happy to do this for me, it is a gift.

The moment is short lived though as Ducky enters with his medical bag, a serious look plastered on his face, I have seen that look before, at Bethesda,_ when I had the plague._

"Jethro, we need to get his wet clothes off before he catches his death of cold, remember, his lungs were compromised with the plague, he is at high risk for infections." _Dr Mallard has arrived in doctor mode, I know what is next._

Strong arms immediately start removing wet clothing and replacing them with dry sweats. Ducky is attending to the cuts on my feet with antiseptic and bandages, _tight bandages_. Then I find myself being gently guided to the antique bed and then gently placed underneath warm blankets, _ now I am lying down and it feels good. _

Suddenly I feel the cold bell of a stethoscope touching my bare chest and a thermometer is being pushed into my mouth. I feel like a kid in a child's bedroom, the irony of the situation is too much for even for me to appreciate.

I won't give Ducky a difficult time, I normally would, but today I am obedient, I owe them that for all they are doing for me, _it can't be easy._

As he examines me I notice that the others have left, all but Gibbs, who is now standing alone in the corner of the room, watching, observing, hoping that this will be a short lived event. He is worried, and I wish I could say that he has nothing to worry about but I can't, because even I don't know how all of this will end.

Ten years ago, when I was undercover, I went to this dark place, and I never thought I would return from that abyss, and now as I look at my boss,_ Gibbs_, I wonder if he is now thinking the same thing, that this might be permanent, that I will not recover this time. He is the only one who knows how dark I am inside, he knows why I need that clown mask intact, _and he is afraid for me._

"We will have to watch him closely." Ducky states as he pulls out a vial of medication and a syringe. I can't help but to cringe, I hate the effects of medications, of needles, and I hate how they effect me.

"Don't worry Anthony, this is not what you think. I want to give you a dose of antibiotic as a precaution. We do not want those lungs to get infected, pneumonia is not something you need right now." Ducky explains as he draws up the thick liquid and walks over to the bed.

I comply, no fight, no complaining, I just roll to my side, my hip exposed. The sharp sting of the needle as it hits sensitive skin makes me slightly jerk as the thick liquid fills a sensitive area of muscle, it causes me to tear up again, I am surprised by my own reaction, _I am on the edge._

"There you go Anthony." he rubs my sore hip for a few seconds with the alcohol swab, replaces the sweat pants over my hip, then gently pulls up the warm, thick blankets. _I am tired, very tired. I just want to sleep.  
_

_I close my eyes, I know he is coming, I know that he is on his way to assist Gibbs... again. _

_**I know you guys deserve more but I did work last night and I have to wake up. Would someone send me a cup of very black, very strong coffee. More later, I promise. Thanks to all the great readers and your responses to the story. You are the reason I write...**_Where's Tony **_will have a new chapter by the end of the weekend, I promise, no more work until Monday! Yes you can say YEA!_**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for the virtual coffee! I had to take another nap but I finally got out another chapter...Here you go.**

I am alone now, alone with my thoughts and my fear that the flashbacks will consume me again. I hate feeling so out of control._ I hate feeling vulnerable._

I take in the room, it's soft pink walls, the shadow of what use to be a dollhouse still imprints the wall, it must have stayed there for years.

Kelly probably loved this room, felt that it was her palace, her fortress. I too am finding comfort here, a peace of sorts.

I roll onto my sort hip and let out a gasp I didn't even expect myself, a head rounds the corner, it is Gibbs, I wave to let him know I am fine. He is satisfied, for now.

I can't help but to reflect on how this room is such a contrast to what mine was as a child. This is light and airy, a place filled with happiness and mine was more dark, with drawn curtains, brown walls and a creepy bed that gave me nightmares for months on end of vampires, werewolves and dungeons. My mother had her weird side and Dad encouraged her, they were a twosome.

I close my eyes, wanting to feel better, wishing I hadn't had the desire to delve into that moment in my life when everything changed, when I opened that damned door and allowed them inside to take my mother's life. I guess it was my fault, I realize that now and I feel lost, so very consumed with guilt, I"m grieving the consequences of my actions.

I feel sleep is my escape now, it is a dreaded yet comforting need. Am I depressed, am I lost? I assume I am but I also feel as though my life has been lived _and I'm done_. I don't really want to deal with these memories anymore, _with this pain_. I have few friends and no other family other than my father, whom I still don't trust. A conman who would do what he has to do for the love of money and women.

If I remember correctly he didn't grieve my mother's death for very long, he had a new wife within just months A new mommy for little Tony, but more like the evil step mother who wanted little Tony to live in a boarding school surrounded by strangers, to live without hugs or words of affection.

This room is overwhelming my thoughts, of what I have lost and what I could have had, and I find myself calling out for Ducky.

He comes quickly, Gibbs at his side. They are afraid for me, and I don't blame them.

"Can I have something to help me in sleep, I want to sleep." I guess I sound desperate because they don't even question or discuss the reason, it just appears, another syringe filled with clear amber fluid and I allow it to be plunged into my hip again, the pain at least makes me feel alive and that is more than I deserve, but I need to sleep_, I need to escape._

I am awakened this time by voices near the door, they are quiet, soft whispers that do not want me to hear what they are saying, but I have excellent hearing. It is Ziva ad McGee, they are worried, they feel I need a hospital and that Gibbs is in denial. I understand though, I have been crazy before, well maybe all along, I just know how to hide it well.

I continue to pretend to sleep, keeping my breaths even and controlled. I listen as they talk of psychologists and mental wards. They feel my safety is an issue and I do believe Tim just said that he felt bad for me, my life has just reached a new low, pity from my Probie.

"How is he?" Gibbs asks from the doorway, he has left them to watch over me and now it's his turn.

"He is pretending to be asleep." Ziva answers, I never can fool her, she reads me too well.

"He's what?" Tim sounds surprised, I haven't moved a muscle but yet she figured me out.

"Yeah, he's awake." Gibbs confirms, he closes the door as the others leave their post and then walks towards my bed. "Tony, we need to talk." His voice is different, worried.

"She found a sympathetic judge who really doesn't want me to swallow a bullet. Right?" I open my eyes and see that I am, very correct in my presumption.

"She is on her way and this time she is prepared to drug you and place you in restraints." he hesitates for a few seconds then he asks the question I knew he would ask, "I want to know what you told her Tony, why she feels that you are a threat to yourself." He is starring at me, wanting the truth, no matter how painful it will be for him to hear.

I hesitate, not really sure I can tell him the entire truth, but then I answer, "I told her I've been considering taking a bullet since I returned from Somalia. I guess the truth serum did more than make me a little loose lipped. I realized that I'm not as in control as I wanted to convey to others, I felt lost afterward." I am being honest, forthwith, almost, I am holding back some truths, I just hope it doesn't backfire.

"It was a difficult time for all of us Tony, myself included." He wants me to know that my emotions are not uncommon, they just feel strange because I am allowing them for the first time.

" What are you going to do?" I ask, not wanting to make a trip to the looney bin today, well, actually never but I know that I am destined at some point, but hopefully not today.

"We are going for a ride DiNozzo." he throws the blankets back and grabs me underneath my arms and lifts me to my feet, "We have a road trip planned. "

"Road trip?" I question, where the hell are we going to go in weather like this, I have noticed snow hitting the window again, and it is coming down fast and furious.

"Don't ask too many questions, just go with it." he leads the way through the doorway. The team is standing on the other side, bags packed and waiting for me, they are a determined group, even my Abby.

"Fornell called and said he is ready." Tim informs, as they start placing heavier clothing on me, a thick coat from my own closet appears, I wonder who broke inside, then mentally slap myself, of course it was my partner, Ziva.

Ducky then opens the door to the outside, the frigid wind still reaches my sensitive skin through the coat, "The van is ready Jethro. We are ready to leave."

Tim and Gibbs rush me out the door, both men supporting my tall frame, and it is not long before I am sitting in the middle seat of a large ,dark, but very warm van. Gibbs is driving, so I automatically reach down and make sure they have fastened my seat belt, his driving is scarey enough in good weather, he is down right terrifying in weather like this.

As they gather inside I am suddenly concerned about the man who I know Gibbs called, I wonder if he will be able to find us but if I know Gibbs all is fine but I still worry. I know he is the only person who can get me through this, he did before, he manged to save my life, and now I need saving again.

Gibbs peels out on the snow and ice forming on his driveway, and I notice how he keeps looking in the rear view mirror, and I wonder if he is looking at me or if he feels that somehow Dr Sullivan will find us, she seems to have covered all the bases with her desire to have me locked away.

"You okay Tony?" Abby asks as she holds onto my arm.

I give her a smile , she can see it even in the darkness of the van, and she pulls herself closer to me, wanting me to feel safe, wanting me to feel loved.

Ziva is on my other side, I am sure she is protecting that door to make sure I don't try to make a dive for it, but I am feeling safe right now, feeling loved, it is a good feeling but I know I am not worthy of this kind of caring, this kind of love, because I know I am responsible for my mother's death, I and I alone_. I opened the door._

The drive is long, bumpy and when we arrive at Fornell's new location we are all exhausted.

Fornell greets us as the van comes to a stop, Gibbs exits, talks to Fornell for several minutes then comes around to retrieve me. I go willingly with assistance but the trip has made me realize that I have to make this come to an end, I will not allow them to run from my doctor again, the next time I will go with her and suffer the indignation of hospitalization.

We walk inside, well, actually they are practically carrying me now, my feet have swollen, and I am coughing suddenly, hard, deep wrenching coughs that make my chest hurt. I have done something stupid. I have given myself a cold by running into the snow, though I had no idea of what I was doing I still blame myself.

The place is huge, it has a large fireplace and a loft, all the comforts of a well built log cabin home. I am directed immediately into a bedroom off the main entrance way and the bed is quickly prepared for me to lie down.

"Let's hurry and remove his jacket." Ducky instructs the others, his medical bag at the ready again. I hate injections, and I hate feeling so vulnerable.

"Anthony, I do need you to lie down." I do as he asks, the thermometer finds my mouth again and the stethoscope is at the ready but this time he is not smiling or giving me words of comfort, instead he looks concerned, _very concerned._

"Pneumonia?" I ask, already knowing that it is, the heaviness that has developed in my chest a definite clue as to what I am in for and I know that I am doomed to be admitted to a hospital soon.

"Anthony, it's difficult to tell without a chest x ray but from the fever you've developed, the cough and the scattered course rhonchi I hear throughout your chest I would certainly guess that it is the case." he states worriedly, knowing my future will be at Bethesda but how soon is still the question.

He again pulls out another vial of medication and I know what to do, I roll over and await the sting of the needle.

Gibbs and Fornell are outside the door now and I ponder why they care so much, all of them, I am not use to such outward affection.

"There you go Anthony." he comforts as he puts away the empty syringe.

"I hate shots, always did, but even more after the plague." I admit out loud, wanting the man to know how much I trust him.

"That was a difficult time for all of us Tony." He uses the shorter version of my given name to convey his understanding of what I felt, how I am feeling now. I am aware that he worried, I know that he never left my side at Bethesda as neither did Gibbs.

"You need to rest. I will make you some hot soup and some of those muffins you like so well." he gives me a weak smile, he is worried for me again, then he turns to leave.

"Thanks Ducky." I want him to know I appreciate him and all that he is doing.

He nods, unable to speak, the emotion he is feeling right now too much to speak out loud, and then exits the room.

I realize that I am shivering, the fever will get high soon, the nightmares will be more vivid, I hope they understand.

**More tomorrow!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Let me be very honest, telling a story from one perspective sucks to write...I have made plenty of mistakes and I appreciate your patience with this new adventure. I am going to change it up this chapter and probably the rest of the story...I wanted you get a sense of where Tony's mind is IN RELATION TO WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM and now we need to find out how the others feel, what they are seeing as well as Tony's view. Wish me LUCK! Here we go.**

**The Cabin**

_Gibbs is a man of few words but even fewer when it comes to his team, especially two members of his team, Tony and Abby. He is like a protective father, he does not like seeing then in pain or upset._

Gibbs is worried, Tony's fever seems to elevated even more than earlier, he is writhing in the bed, his face is soaked with sweat. He reaches over to see if Tony responds to touch, wanting to not only convey his presence to his senior field agent, but to give him comfort if that is possible.

"Gibbs?" his voice is now barely a whisper, his cough has made his throat raw and sore.

"I'm right here Tony." Gibbs responds, keeping his hand on Tony' s shoulder.

"Good, not a flashback." he feels relieved, thankful that he's not in another vivid nightmare.

"Nah, you're definitely having a real life moment Tony." Gibbs jokes.

I nod in realization that all is real in the world, my world, at least right now and I attempt to raise my head, but I feel weak as water, or worse, as weak as death. "Thirsty." It is what I am and it is the only word I can get out without causing another coughing fit.

Immediately Gibbs has a glass of cool water before me and I am assisted into a sitting position to take a drink.

"Take it slow DiNozzo, you have to drink slowly or you'll choke." he warns, not wanting his agent to cough again.

When I'm finished with the water he takes it away and places a pillow to my back so I can sit up. I look around, the room is quite, _must have missed the soup and muffins. _

"I was told by Ducky to give you the acetaminophen when you awakened, it's for your fever." Gibbs stands to get the medication.

"Where is Ducky?" I ask, wondering where the ME would go in the middle of the night.

"To the hospital to gather some equipment, he said something about you needing breathing treatments every two hours and that he needed some other equipment, it got too technical for me." he stood and started gathering the pills into a cup.

"It's still snowing, will he be okay?" I ask worried about my friend, he is quite the stubborn elderly man, I would never want anything to happen to him because of me.

"He's fine DiNozzo, he went with Fornell." Gibbs walks over with the pills and a fresh glass of water.

"Fornell drives like you, now I'm even more worried." I speak without thinking but Gibbs just gives me a smile, he knows it's true.

"They'll be fine." Gibbs assures as he hands me two pills.

I sit up and take the medication and notice that I am missing something, actually several things, my clothing is gone. "What the hell?" I ask as I look underneath the blanket.

"Fever, DiNozzo. We're in the process of washing some pajamas for you and getting them on you. You have been sweating a lot with the fever."

I nod, I've had fever before, I know that I can really sweat a lot, t_he plague again comes to mind._

"I'm going to warm up the soup and muffins Ducky made earlier while you were sleeping, I'll be back in a few minutes." Gibbs walks out the door, leaving it open, and that is when I notice Abby standing in the hallway. I motion her inside the room.

"Tony!", she almost screams, she seems genuinely happy to be with me. "I've been so worried about you!" she is now lying down at my side, Bert in tow. I am a little concerned that I am naked underneath the blanket but she seems to respect that issue and doesn't slide underneath with me, she is very considerate of how I feel,_ respectful._

"I'm fine Abby, how could I not be, I have you and the team taking care of me." I attempt to assure her that she need not worry about me, but she sees right through me, through my mask, _she always has had that ability._

" You are feeling better. Right?" she asks, a look of concern etched on her face as she stares into my eyes. Her dark eyes sparkle with unshed tears.

" I'm fine Abby, really. I 'm just having a problem with remembering things from my past. They are painful memories that I need to come to terms with, it's a little difficult." I want to convey what I'm going through, I know that Abby understands that childhood memories aren't always so happy.

She was raised in a house of silence, where words had no real meaning, only sign language was used, it was hard on her and I know she still struggles with it to this day.

"You'll tell me if you are thinking about doing something bad to yourself, won't you Tony. I know how you internalize everything, how you keep everything inside of you and how you allow it to eat you up inside. I've always known, since the day Gibbs brought you to NCIS. I remember how much you were hurting then, how you tried to hide your pain, just like you did after Kate's death." She remembers, but she dares not say a word of what I went through, of what occurred in Baltimore.

"Is Roy coming?" I ask timidly, knowing that Abby is very aware of what occurred in Baltimore, she understands the reason I ended up at NCIS, even after having what most would describe as a nervous breakdown. Abby understands what I went through during that undercover assignment, the horrible things I endured, that Gibbs and I endured.

"He's trying to get here Tony, the snow storm is delaying his flight. I'm sorry, I know what he means to you, he is like your big brother and friend all wrapped up in one big package." she whispers and snuggles a little bit closer to me, wanting me to feel loved, _I do._

"I hate the way I feel Abby. I just want it to go away." I'm honest with my friend, I do want the pain to end, all of the pain, That strong urge to make it all go away is what scares me the most. Just how much I _do _want it to end and to what extent I might go to make it happen, how far I am willing to go to_ end this internal suffering I have built up inside of me._

She nods, she understands. She might not like what I am implying but she understands me. She gives me a huge, tight Abby hug then removes herself from the bed as Gibbs enters the room again.

"Here you go Tony." Gibbs' hands are filled with a tray holding a steaming bowl of soup, a plate filled with several muffins and a few packs of butter. He is also carrying a fresh pair of pajamas.

"Thank you boss." The simple words cause me to cough out a string of unrelenting hacking coughs. After the episode of coughing subsides I push myself up and attempt to take in a deep breath but find it difficult, almost impossible.

Gibbs is suddenly percussing my back and Abby is now holding a cool cloth to my head, the spell takes the strength out of me and I fall back into the bed, _spent._

"Can't do this again, it's too hard Gibbs." I mutter without thinking, upsetting my friend Abby who finds an excuse to leave the room, she is in tears.

"We will help you through it Tony, just like we did last time." Gibbs' words are meant to comfort but I disagree, I do not want to fight anymore, I am ready to let it go, I just hope they understand. I no longer want to fight.


	12. Chapter 12

I attempt to eat but I'm too short of breath, and trying to eat makes it worse. I give up after several bites. Gibbs sees my frustration and removes the tray.

"We'll try again later." he encourages but until I have a breathing treatment I know attempting to eat is futile.

Gibbs takes one look at Tony and he knows that his senior is already getting tired and with his depression he might start giving up, if that hasn't already occurred. Taking him to a hospital would only prove his point. Tony would give up if left alone in an ICU room without his friends, his family.

He worries if Tony's past will be impossible to overcome, his memories of what happened to his mother are overwhelming his agent with guilt, a guilt that is not founded, whatever it is that he has remembered, he was a kid.

Dr Sullivan had no right to make Tony relive those moments, to make him remember. He can't help but to wonder what her motives were/_are_ so he asks one question that might give him a clue.

"Tony, did you date her? Take her to bed?" he asks, his voice low to where only his senior can hear.

I open my eyes and look at my boss, he knows me well.,"You think I pissed her off and she retaliated by taking me back to my past?"

"Stranger things have happened to you Tony." he comments, waiting for his answer as he takes a sip of his coffee.

I hesitate to give him a direct _yes_ or _no_ but I don't lie to Gibbs, "We went out for dinner."

"You tell her something she didn't want to hear?" he tilts his head my direction and gives me the Gibbs stare.

"I might have. I'm pretty sure now that I did." I would tell him how but rule number twelve prevents me from saying anything, even if it led to nothing it still happened and it was on company time.

"Ziva?" he asks, and now I think I am now holding my breath, my fingers start getting numb. Suddenly I realize it is not from what Gibbs just implied but from another round of unrelenting spasms in my lungs. At least I don't have to answer the question. I cough until I think I finally bring up the plug that was blocking my breathing. This is getting too hard already and I know it is just getting started.

"Come on DiNozzo, take a deep breath, just breathe." His voice is soft, encouraging, caring, it makes me tear up, I am not use to to such kindness, I was never, have never, been allowed such kindness.

"Can't boss...hurts too much." I choke out, It really does hurt, my chest that is and I really am putting effort into taking any type of breath right now._ Dying is not easy._

"The hell you can't!" he gets up intot he bed with me, wraps his arms around me and takes me into a hug from behind where he gets his mouth as close to my ear as possible and whispers, "If you give up DiNozzo I **will** kick your ass."

"Got you boss...trying boss...really I am." I am doing it for him, attempting to breathe, but the air does not want inside my scarred lungs, and I can't make it happen, not for him or even for me if I actually wanted it to happen, they, my lungs, refuse to cooperate.

Gibbs continues to sit behind me, he will not leave me, he's encouraging me to breathe, to take a deep breath, but they remain shallow, the wheezing is a sure sign my lungs are tight, _constricted_ and are in need of oxygen. I feel as if I will pass out when Ducky suddenly appears with a mask and a machine, a duoneb treatment that quickly gives me what my lungs are starving for,_ air._

I start gulping it in once my air passages are open, like a drowning man who just wants to breathe, they see my panic, my fragile hold onto life. Ducky quickly injects something into my arm, into a vein and I start feeling relaxed, more able to breathe without the panic, without the feeling that death is near.

"Just let the medication work Anthony. There you go, just relax." Ducky soothes as he starts to insert an angiocath into my arm, it will make it easier to receive the medications he has brought to the house. Gibbs never leaves his spot, he is still holding onto me, he is the reason I am trying.

I nod to Ducky in appreciation for saving my life, though I wonder inside if I truly mean it, he seems to think the same thing, I can see it on his face.

I look over at the door, they are there, Abby, Ziva, Tim, even Fornell. They are in tears, even the older man whom I have never got along with, he seems to be more upset than the others. I feel like crap for putting them through this, I wish they had just left me behind, I wish they didn't care, it would make this so much easier.

Ducky sees my embarrassment, he understands my need for privacy during this difficult episode and he stands to close the door, to tell the others that I am fine and he will make sure that I am attended to, they need their rest, it is late.

"You did good Tony." Gibbs pats my back and then assists me in getting into a comfortable upright position, lying flat is impossible with my lungs filled with fluid, _infection._

"I hate this." I am honest, I do hate it, but he thinks I hate the bouts of coughing, of wheezing, of not being able to take in a breath. But what he does not understand is that I am tired of living, tired of these infections, tired of being the one who was guilty of opening a door to allow a stranger to come inside to kill my mother.

The medication is too strong, it is pulling me under into a thick cloud of obliviousness and I am glad, relieved.

Ducky looks at Gibbs and shakes his head, "I do believe Tony is in for a fight this time around."

"I just hope that he wants to fight." Gibbs returns, then picks up an old newspaper and settles down by his agent's side, he will not leave him, he will make sure Tony fights. He just hopes inwardly the man who assisted his friend before would hurry and get there, Tony really needs him.

Ducky continues to set up an IV for medication, antibiotics that will assist Tony in getting better. As he spikes the bag he wonders if the medication will be enough to fight t he infection in Tony's diseased lungs and knows if there is no improvement in twenty-four hours that Tony will need a hospital, an ICU, _a ventilator._

"Gibbs, please get some rest. I will need to watch Anthony for a while, to make sure he is not having a problem with the drugs I am giving him, he will definitely need you later." Ducky directs his friend, seeing the effects of Tony' s problems on Gibbs face. He looks older tonight, tired.

"Not going anywhere Duck." he looks over at a now sleeping DiNozzo, his breathing is still labored, the wheezing in his chest still audible.

Gibbs sits still. Watching Tony as he takes each labored breath, it takes him back to another time he was concerned about this man, and to the day he met his senior agent, _Detective Anthony DiNozzo._

**Yes, Gibbs will be having his own flashback, to the day he met Tony and what they went through that took Tony to the brink, it will be from Gibbs perspective. Sorry, I have to work tonight but more tomorrow. Have a great Monday and if you have a spare moment please let me know what you think. Thank you for reading.**


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